We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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