What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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