I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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