someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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