i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
