Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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