this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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