Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
