I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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