just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
