My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
