fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
