what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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