What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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