you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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