so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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