you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
