That's when you crack a 10am beer
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
