Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
