The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
