I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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