Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
