youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
