Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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