I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
