i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
