ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I got chris browned last night
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
