What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
