Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
