allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Someone shattered a urinal.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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