My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
