Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
