i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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