textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
