I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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