Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
