Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
