I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
