We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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