Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
