I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
