it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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