I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
