i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
