So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
