I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
