sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
