Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Randomize
