I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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