Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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