My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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